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Sunday

28Feb2010

away

Sunday, February 28, 2010 at 8:13AM

off to florida, thx to inlaws and such. just the boys and i. a welcome break, tho packing is sucky at best. i think it’s a good way to clear the decks before digging into homeschooling, and a way to start clean. both boys are curled up on my bed looking exhausted and we leave in 45 min, here’s hoping they stay docile through a day of subway/greyhound/cab/amtrak/car so we can get to where our ride starts! i’ll leave you with the fynn and our housemate, from our trip to the park in the snowstorm. i’m looking forward to some sun!

today is the day

Friday, February 12, 2010 at 1:13PM

today is douglas’ last day of public school. it’s bittersweet, exciting, and feels utterly inevitable. i never dreamed i’d actually do this until about 6 weeks ago. somehow when you make a big decision, the relief upon arriving at the ‘decided’ part of the equation is huge. it’s not as big, however, as the feeling like i couldn’t have possibly made any other decision. the rightness and conviction of it has been continually surprising me for the last 3 weeks.

i know it’s right, but i can’t express why very articulately. i’m getting blank stares from most parents that i talk to in person, a resounding silence in response to the email i sent to his class parents, and an amazingly supportive response from the teachers and administrators at his school.

this is the image he drew for the card he wanted to give to his classmates today, with his name and contact info on it. tractor beams and aliens and tanks, the currency of 7-year-old imaginations. i think i’ll be more well-versed in that language in a few weeks, i’ll let you know how it goes.

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Thursday

28Jan2010

I'm missing my grandma

Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 11:40PM

Do you ever pre-mourn something? Something you know is inevitable, so you start processing the feelings in advance, even though it hasn’t happened? I’ve been doing that the last couple of weeks, for my grandma. She’s 93, in an extended-care facility, and while reasonably healthy she’s slowly losing her mind. I’ve dreamed about her packing her bags to leave, heard reports from my mom that her short-term memory is gone, and am afraid that she won’t know me at all the next time I see her. She very well may be around for a few more years, but she won’t be Grambie to me. She’ll be like her own mother, the one I remember mostly as a frail bird perched on the edge of her bed in a nursing home, spitting cookie-bits across the room when she couldn’t gum them well enough. I never really knew my great-grandmother before she was senile, so there wasn’t a relationship to mourn.

Grambie Rotten Kid Rule and I? I can’t even begin to tell you how much she means to me. I’ve always had her in my life. Babysitting me as a child, making popcorn and letting me listen to Bill Cosby records. Sewing tiny doll clothes, dresses for me, and then finishing anything that I started to sew on my own but inevitably got hung up on. Burying my head in her lap, digging through her bottomless purse during church and sucking on the tiny fruit candies she always had in a tin. Watching her fold her handkerchief into babies in a cradle. Listening to her stories of growing up in Kansas City, about being a tomboy until she had to take on responsibilities too young. Knowing in my heart that I was a lot like her, that the love we share had a special fierceness to it. I’m afraid of that fierceness fading, and not being able to put my head in the lap of the bird she’s becoming. Of being lost to her.

She asked me years ago, when she was about to go into a home and lose her car (which equalled freedom and life to her) for permission to go. Somehow I knew she was going to ask and had prepared myself to give it to her, which I did. Watching her go slowly, fading a bit with each conversation and visit? I didn’t expect that, nor did I realize how it would feel. So I mourn her life before she’s left it, and wonder if this is the year. She’s 93, I’m 39, and I still love her so fiercely it hurts.

Cross posted over here. Photo featured over here.

so

Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 8:32PM

we went on a cruise. one night, down the hudson and past Long Island, and had a wonderful time. thx to my sis and her hubby. great to get away, see the sunset AND sunrise across the city, eat at 3 restaurants, and have time to just be. a few things came out, and peace with decisions was deepened.

particularly the decision to homeschool douglas, starting in just under 3 weeks (at the winter break). primarily me. fynn to hopefully stay in school until the end of the year, though we’re months behind on his tuition. they’re being helpful and flexible, so we’ll see. not a light decision though we’ve tossed it around for ages. not in response to a terrible school either. pretty much in response to watching his change in demeanor, sensing a shift in my relationship to him, and god kicking me in the butt and whispering “take him out now, or lose him.” i can’t tell you why, really, just that despite the obvious potential issues with patience and freedom and personalities, i have no doubts about it. just that it will be hard, with potential for great joy and great challenge.

a piece of it involves me dropping the last bits of feeling like i must bring in money, even though logic dictates that i must. i can’t work much and still focus on my kids like i have to, and indeed want to. i didn’t want to for a long time. not exclusively. i do now, within reason. meaning i still need time alone, to run, etc and have no intention of giving up my other blog unless it proves to be too big a time hog. i’m not a good mother when i work. at all.

i’m looking forward to the change. i need prayer for patience and realistic attitudes about it. ironically, the social aspect of his school is the best it’s ever been, and i feel more at home there than i ever have. there will be tears. i talk to his teacher tomorrow, to launch the ball. i’ve said for years that it’s never time to leave a place until it really hurts. this will be no exception.

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Saturday

09Jan2010

btw

Saturday, January 9, 2010 at 11:40PM

i’m doing nablopomo over here

i’ll still post, and actually finding so far that daily writing is making me want to write more.

still simmering a lot, but not able yet to even put my finger on why.

d had a hysteria-induced breathing episode tonight (athsma attack? something along those lines anyhow) that was triggered by being overtired, mockingly talking about god when i said it was time to pray, and getting disciplined for it. have an ongoing issue with mockery with him, and been consistently dealing with it as a serious issue, which i believe it is. ended up trying relaxation exercises, steam bath with essential oils, and then an old albuterol inhaler that i had from fynn’s breathing problems. i honestly think the triggers to it are psychological, but don’t want to downplay the physical problems that result either. he has an appt with his homeopath in a couple weeks, and i’m curious what will come of that.

been doing a lot of cleaning lately, of the organizing and digging out the cracks kind. house smells a lot better (fabulous at the moment actually as i have chicken stock simmering, D/A have soup simmering), and it’s making me hungry again. when i can’t get my mind wrapped around something, cleaning is often therapy, and the physical organization tends to clarify my mental drawers too. so does running, at which i’ve been woefully lax lately. hard to get dressed/out when it’s so cold, but it’s more the why-bother-i-have-no-goal sort of thing. got one yesterday though, when i realized (thanks to my bank acct dipping even further) that i got into the nyc half marathon on mar 21. looking fwd to it muchly, as it’s a route that is far more interesting than circling central park, which i’ve gotten sick of. it’s one lap there, then down thru times square and the rest of mid/downtown, into Battery park. so i have some motivation, hoping it’s enough. my body misses it, much like i missed my period when i was nursing fynn. it’s emotionally cleansing, and i need a lot of that right now.

house is blissfully quiet, going to go try on some clothes i was sent and see what to keep. i think music is in order.

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