Originality vs Stubbornness
Tuesday, January 17, 2006 at 3:06PM Before I start, SAJ is in labor ... woohoo! Waiting for news :)
I realized this weekend that I have a true dilemma in raising my son. I've suspected it for a long time, but things crystalized this weekend for some reason. It's about DOV's desire, apparent for a long time, to do everything HIS way. I've been attributing it to stubbornness, which he comes by very honestly from both sides of the family, but it's not just that. It's not just doing it HIS way, it's doing it *differently* than expected. By me or by anyone else. He has to be a frigging original in everything. It came into focus on Sunday afternoon for me. I'd finally ventured out with him (michael worked ALL weekend, holiday and all, such fun) in the 20-something degree cold, and walked to the local value-mart-almost-dollar-store to see if they had any workbooks. He's sounding out words and it seemed like a good time. I found 2, one letters and one phonics, both for .99 of course. We took them home, and after playing with the clay set (also .99 and half dried out already :) we opened the letters book. It's typical, one page per letter with a little exercise like "circle all the apples that have a big or little A on them" kind of thing. When I read the directions and told him to trace the letters first, then circle the apples, he started to trace *around* the letters, perfectly outlining them. That may have been a misunderstanding, as I don't think he's been told what trace means, so when I explained, he scribbled over the lines instead. I showed him how to do one, and the next 2 were perfect. Then he was off scribbling again. All typical, yes.
Then we get to writing his name on the line at the top. You know, the 2.5 inch line where he's supposed to fill in his name. He writes the D, carefully making it fit in the space. Then the "O", elongating it gleefully to fit the whole rest of the line. When I asked where he was going to put the rest of the letters now that he'd filled in the line, he said "inside the O" and proceeded to fit the rest of the letters, in miniscule form, into the O. It finally hit me then (there are countless other examples, that one just hit me) that it's NOT just about doing it the way I tell him (or preferrably not) he has to do it some Other way. A New way. I know it's a fine line, but I do believe it's there. He can't accept that there's one right way to write the word, he wants to be different.
I have the first parent/teacher conference in a few weeks, and though it's just preschool I still hope to find out a bit about how he interacts and behaves there. Maybe it will shed some light on whether it's just me he does it to, weighting it on the stubborn end of things, or whether it's to everyone else. I know he does it to Michael a lot too. His grandfather commented last night, when i mentioned it, that it certainly runs in the family as he was doing things like that in 2nd grade and on ... finding different ways to write his name, etc. just to be different.
Reader Comments (3)
The reason we have conventions is courtesy and to be understood. If someone likes to be discourteous and delights in being misinterpreted (or inexplicable) then sometimes the ability to work with someone else has to be reinforced. It's not so much about conformity to what is right as agreeing to humour people as to what is standard. But then, you knew that.
yes, made comments here and there to him in that exact vein. not that he cares at this point, needs to have more situations where he's misunderstood perhaps?
My two cents? I am also wading through the quagmire of the concept of “education”. You know your child better than anyone on this earth, so take what I write and do what you will to make it your own (which can be ranting and raving at my idiocy and throwing it all in the garbage bin). Please do let me know how you perceive my written thoughts.
What I have discovered with Ashriel and the observation of others of like age is that they are not yet 1) burdened with our burdens (i.e. they are not malicious, not scheming, they are innocent) and 2) hindered by many limits (i.e. the physical and spiritual still are mixing innocently). I have a difficult time betimes not projecting myself on children (i.e. imputing that they are less than innocent). They are explorers, they look to us as examples. Ashriel is currently very impressionable in categorizing things as good or bad. This has made me extremely aware of 1) how my actions and views impact him and 2) how I view things. If I say that carrots are yucky, carrots will be characterized and filed under the heading of “Things that are Yucky” forevermore…or until he is of age to question the categorization. If I say rainy days are beautiful, rainy days are “Beautiful”. Children are filled with hope and how we present things can either maintain or chip away at the hope. I am striving to let him find out what a carrot is, what rain is on his own and not inflict my views in this arena. I have been formulating/focusing my own views on the current “educational” system – I can share them if you ask – and slowly finding a path. But, because of the above observations (or my interpretation of the observations), I believe that Ashriel will find his way and I am there to guide, to provide whatever kind of wisdom I have, to point him to God. The oppressiveness of this world will soon enough bring up other issues and pull him more and more into the physical, so imposing a structure that is positive and builds him up to handle the oppressiveness and not lose hope is one of my goals. I do not want to limit him, to hinder him, but I do want to guide him, give him tools. He will find his way. He will squiggle outside the lines quite a bit…but it’s not like he’s 15 and consciously throwing away all that he has been taught to actively pursue evil.
As explorers and watching us as examples, they will imitate, but the underlying freedom (spirit) will always creep through. This is what I think Douglas is doing. He wants to learn, but he wants to fly…learning the current societal structures can be burdensome on a 3-year-old and may chip away at the access to the spiritual. Or not. As I say, in great deference, you know your child better than anyone on this earth. You too will find your way and I cheer you on. We learn as we go.