Wrestling
Tuesday, March 11, 2008 at 1:12PM Been fighting god on accepting things in general ... that's been pretty obvious from my cranky posts. Holding on to what i consider the 'bare minimum' and telling him not to mess with it. (in other words and actions, but basically what I was doing).
He's removed just about every support in the last few weeks. Income, childcare, Michael's show, and so on. The one thing I "had" was running. I'm a clock-based runner, meaning I use a training watch (lovely expensive Garmin GPS one that was a gift from a friend) and track everything by it. I compete against myself, and love it. Well, it up and stopped working Sunday for absolutely no reason. I sat down with the manual last night to no avail, nothing worked. Checked the gift receipt, and the 1 year warranty expired 2 weeks ago. Website said $80 to fix it, which is a joke at this point having not even paid rent yet! Went to bed depressed and mad at God for taking that away. I can still run, sure, but the competitive joy was gone.
Ran this morning, wrestling him and in tears most of the way. Realized I HAVE to give it ALL up (not just the stuff I "preached" about in the newsletter yesterday!). ALL of it. Let him give me whatever he wants, but not assume rights to anything. No bare minimum. Whatever he gives will be more/above/beyond what I can imagine. I might lose my marathon dream, my privacy and need a boarder, have to move, leave NYC, MBV might not get a show, lose my health ... the list goes on. I can't demand any of it. I just have to accept and enjoy. I have goals, don't get me wrong, but I can't insist on them as my right. Called Garmin 20 minutes ago, just in case they could tell me something the manual couldn't. Told them I'd had it 'about a year'. (very true ...) Went through the checks and was told I'd have to send it in. As he was collecting info I said "is this a warranty repair, or a paid one?" ... "Oh, we'll just cover it for you." and went on collecting his info. Thank you God!
Reader Comments (3)
Once you realized what He wanted and gave it to Him you got what you wanted. It's not always easy is it?
Haven't been able to check your blog for a while. Sounds tough! Will be bringing you before the "God of hope", asking Him to encourage you further.
~Beck's Mom~
You are so strong. To realize and accept, wow, I wrestle with this all the time.
To live in His will in total blind faith, aaaaggghhh!
This one time I felt like I totally had given my life to him and it was such a raw and wild experience.
I wish I could live like that all the time but my thoughts get in the way. Baw!