yes

i’m still here.  been too depressed to write.  no words most of the time, when i do surface and feel alive, i overcompensate and try to get lots done before i sink underneath the cloud again.  it’s not been pretty.  i have no answers, some clues as to why i’m in this hole, and hope it changes soon.  running helps, visitors are good as i almost reflexively play my role, but it’s a deep one. 

it’s christmas.  we have company.  there are piles of presents under the tree, thanks to the generosity of others. 

i’m tired of feeling on the fringes.  i don’t belong anywhere.  i have a need to, i think.  i miss my family, miss feeling like a real part of a community.  i have a bit of that at fynn’s school, but it’s not deep enough.  i need to feel at home somewhere.  anywhere.

i hope i find it. 

Comments

[mike]

awesome that you can come out and say it. I don't know that that's easy for you, and I do know that it's good. Keep in touch about it. Depression is pain. Treat it as pain. Pain is given so that we know to change our behaviour because we are getting hurt.

[mike]

job #1 is to find a way to express the anger that is turned inward and is hurting you. As a nice side-benefit, a lot of emotion that is not anger will also be turnable into anger to come out too. Writing angry poetry works for some. I'm sure running is partly about that, being, no doubt, the most aggressive physical thing you allow yourself to do?

[paula]

love to you, bethany. i understand the ache for belonging, for home. a deep loneliness, not easy to address. i also agree that depression is anger turned inward. time to show gentleness towards yourself, be kind and loving to you. we love you! remember, it's the darkest part of the year. the days are going to lengthen now. hope...

[Beth H]

i understand your need for community and loneliness without one; even small things can make a difference help you feel better, and i hope some good small changes come along for you really soon! and i wish we lived closer because you would be part of my community for sure!

[martha]

hugs and understanding