when do you stop?
Saturday, May 16, 2009 at 8:54PM i don’t know when you stop being gracious. when do you say enough is enough, you’re walking all over me, stop it already! i don’t know. i was taught to turn the other cheek. to take the heat, cover the other’s shortcomings, and keep my mouth shut. i think i know when to hold my ground if i’m being taken advantage of by someone who will continue to do so until i put up my hand. i’ve done it recently. it’s absurdly difficult for me. i bend over backwards to excuse their behavior, explain, accept, tolerate, and even cover their bizarre foibles from others so that they’re not thought badly of. i defend someone i don’t have a real relationship with to those i have an important relationship with. just because …. i really don’t know. i feel compelled to do what it takes to make any relationship work.
any.
i’ve guilted myself for years over two friendships that were lifeblood to me at the time, which i walked away from. one was due to them trying to shut down my discussions about mutually painful topics, and the other cut me off due to my choice to wear pants to church. i accepted that cut, realizing it was an absurd criteria for a friendship. it had to get that absurd for me to stop trying (it was broken long before) and i still to this day have twinges of guilt that i didn’t try hard enough.
i take every hiccup in a relationship extremely personally, and on some level blame myself. the friend that shut down my discussions? still do feel guilty over that one, that i didn’t somehow manage to fix it.
i’m not god, relationships are two sided, and i know it’s just plain not all about me. why do i feel a pathalogical need to make them work, even if it’s simply a relationship of convenience, and not one i sought our or really care to cultivate or continue? yes, i want to live in harmony, that’s part of it. my home is my haven, or rather should be, and it’s not been that at all lately. i reduces me to tears pretty regularly.
there’s the question of why the connection has been “allowed” at all. is there a point god’s trying to make with this, that i’m supposed to figure out or endure or teach him, or is the point that we both need to learn how to holler ‘nuff? we’re both notoriously bad at that. a libra and a sag, goes to figure i suppose. last time i hollered after a “just one week pretty please he’s really depressed and his girlfriend kicked him out” boarder stayed 6 months, and i saw him more than my husband. it took 6 months, proving my point.
i just don’t know when enough is enough. i really don’t.
Reader Comments (6)
Well, once you're discussing a real-life problem on the Internet and suppressing the natural urge to act, that's an excellent sign. If you are using the Internet as a reality-buffer, it is time to deal in the real.
Does that mean he's gone?
nope, not gone. i don't know if kicking out is the right thing to do or not.
well, I still love ya. :-)
OK, kick him out already.
I read in a book today about a theory of humans before we had the excellent tool of language. People didn't (couldn't) have relationships, so they just walked around bumping into each other and having sex when necessary to make more humans. Then it might have got confusing because if you hadn't bumped into anyone for a really long time you may not even know if you were related to them or not. Mothers and kids stayed together only for as long as necessary and then the kids go wandering off in that relationship, language free world.
Sound good? No, didn't think so.
But it doesn't mean you have to live with someone you're forcing yourself to put up with. And it doesn't mean you have to wear skirts to church. It just means you have to use the handy tool of language (and this includes the stuff you are saying to yourself) to sort out what's important to you and what you can do to make the world a better place.
I love you and hate that you are agonizing over a decision that is so clearly eating you up and creating huge negative cloud for you.
Sometimes you have the chance to make a life changing impact on someone's life. Currently you are acting as an enabler to their continued poor self-confidence.
Gain the courage to speak to this individual and be specific about his behaviors that are bothering you and state that he must change or he will need to leave. Or just kick him out and start advertising for a new roommate.
i've been plagued by an inability to be simple. "I do like this, I don't like this, so that's what I choose," is what other people do, but is not easy for me.
the alternative, one that i still tend towards, is seeing strange fateful coincidences with me in the place of making a critical difference in someone's life, being put there for such a time as this, etc. and things being quite complicated as a result.
but if the heart is not in it, then what good can really come of these encounters? which is why i need daily practice in just saying, yes, but what do i feel/want in this situation. maybe in the end god's plans don't have to be about me doing stuff i don't want to do.
here's hoping for the best, soon.